My Evil Valentine
by EJ3
Summary: Siegfried of KAOS and Angelique of THRUSH find themselves star-crossed lovers.


My Evil Valentine

Siegfried, the terrifying leader of KAOS, sat at his desk in a funk. He was the head of one of the most fear-inspiring organizations in the world, able to wreak havoc on a global stage with a snap of a finger. He could loot vaults, set off heat-seeking missiles and even steal candy from babies, if he chose to. So why was he feeling so blue?

He stared at the picture of his beloved and knew instantly that she was the cause of his malaise. She was the most beautiful, most seductive, most evil woman he'd ever met. She was treacherous, duplicitous and thoroughly untrustworthy. In short, everything he looked for in a companion. There was only one small problem. She was THRUSH and he was KAOS.

"Ah, Angelique." Siegfried pined for his devious angel. "Why do you have to work for the competition? Why can't I convince you to join me in KAOS so we can rule the world together?"

As Angelique's picture gave no reply, Siegfried decided that pacing might help him come up with a twisted solution to his problem. He marched around his office, periodically executing perfect about-faces. He was about to despair of every devising a scheme to obtain his true love when –at last –the answer came to him.

"Napoleon Solo!" Siegfried's mouth turned up in a devilish smile. Yes, it was just the thing to win his true love's heart. How often had she spoken to him of her arch enemy in UNCLE? That stylish, debonair goody-two-shoes that was the bane of her existence. Why, hadn't she tried to kill him with a deadly spider (how very clever of his true love) and hadn't she acted as a Judas goat to lead him into to his death and replace him with an evil double? How she complained that he continued to evade him. How she scowled and cursed when the man constantly thwarted her most cunning schemes. Just imagine the look in her eyes when he –Siegfried the Great –delivered her hated enemy into her hands! She would dispatch Solo with glee before defecting to KAOS to be with the one man who understood her.

Yes, Siegfried complimented himself. It was the perfect scheme. All he had to do was Get Solo!

GSGSGSGS

Angelique, one of THRUSH's most lethal agents, stalked through her luxurious apartment, her mind racing as she considered Siegfried, her secret love. He was everything an agent of evil should be –twisted, devious and totally unscrupulous. Oh, and that wonderful scar of his and that insane laughter. Even the way he mistreated his dim-witted assistant made her go all warm inside. He was yang to her yin.

But, of course, there was a problem –as there always was when one set one's heart on something one couldn't have. Her dear love, her maniacal Siegfried was the head of the local KAOS chapter and no amount of pleading would entice him into switching to THRUSH. His retirement plan was too good, he explained. And KAOS' benefit program was too appealing. And then there was the fact that his organization would kill him if he even thought about switching to THRUSH. Ditto, if she decided to defect from THRUSH and join her beloved Siegfried at KAOS.

Angelique sighed, a deep and heart-wrenching sigh. It appeared that Fate had decreed that she and her demented love were destined to forever remain star-crossed. Unless – of course! The answer hit Angelique like a lightning-bolt. Her dear evil Siegfried needed a bargaining chip, something –or someone- that he could deliver to his KAOS superiors in exchange for permission to switch to THRUSH. And she would get it for him, come hell or high water.

Yes, Angelique complimented herself. It was the perfect scheme. She would capture an important CONTROL agent—one that constantly vexed KAOS - and hand-deliver him to Siegfried, wrapped in a pretty black bow. She would call it the Maxwell Smart Affair.

GSGSGS

Siegfried crouched behind a stack of boxes, waiting for his prey to fall into his trap. He'd sent the UNCLE office an anonymous message telling them where they could find a THRUSH hideout and he'd been waiting patiently all day to put his plan into effect. And now, here he was – the famous Napoleon Solo, bane of his beloved Angelique's existence. He was accompanied by a blond man, most likely his annoying partner Illya Kuryakin, but the Russian was too scrawny to present any threat. Soon, very soon, victory –and Solo—would be his.

Siegfried timed his attack to the minute. As Solo drew near, he shoved the boxes over, knocking the agent to the ground. Before Siegfried could draw his weapon, however, the irritating blond knocked him to the ground and put a foot on his chest. Solo was on his feet a moment later, his own gun drawn. Siegfried cursed mightily at the goody-two-shoes, but they merely exchanged bemused glances before they dragged him to his feet.

"Who are you, friend?" Solo asked with an arrogant smile. "You don't look like any THRUSH agent I've ever seen."

"I am Siegfried, head of the local KAOS unit." Siegfried drew himself up to his full height. "Surely you have heard of me."

Solo glanced at his partner, who shrugged.

"I'm afraid we haven't had the pleasure."

"Don't be ridiculous. I am the most feared agent that KAOS has. You must have heard of the time that I single-handedly captured every one of the local CONTROL agents. "

Solo and Kuryakin both shook their heads.

"How about the time I nearly conquered the world in my submarine?"

Solo turned to Kuryakin, who raised his hand to his head and made a twirling motion.

"Don't do that!" Siegfried shouted. "There are no crazy hand motions in KAOS!"

"My apologies." Solo said in his gratingly suave tone of voice as he gestured towards the door with his gun. "Now, if you don't mind, we've got a busy day scheduled so if you'll just come along with us…"

"Never!" Siegfried bravely hurled himself at his unworthy opponents.

GSGSGSG

Angelique lounged on a park bench, waiting for her prey to fall into her trap. She'd sent CONTROL an anonymous message that a secret KAOS meeting was scheduled to take place by the decorative fountain at noon. She smiled as Maxwell Smart –accompanied by his annoying female partner –strode into view. Soon, very soon, victory—and Smart—would be hers.

Angelique felt for the teeny-tiny derringer that she kept in a garter on her leg, reassured herself that she was ready to get Smart. As the man drew near, she shot with frightening efficiency. Unfortunately, the man stumbled over a rock right before her shot, tripped and landed on her lap, knocking her gun to the ground. Before she could recover herself, Smart's irritating partner leveled her own gun at Angelique's heart. Or where her heart would have been, had she had one. With a gracious smile, she raised her hands in surrender.

"Who are you?" Smart demanded. "Something tells me you're not our contact.

"I'm Angelique, darling. An agent of THRUSH."

"THRUSH?" Smart turned to his partner.

"I've heard of them, Max." 99 explained. "They're another secret organization, KAOS' dastardly competition."

"Ah, just as I suspected." Smart nodded knowingly. "She's mistaken us for one of her evil colleagues."

"No, darling." Angelique carefully opened her purse and extracted her makeup case. "I've been looking for you, Mr. Smart. I intend to give you to my friend Siegfried as a surprise present."

"Ah, Siegfried. That explains it." Smart said with a smug grin. "But it'll never work, Angelique, because the forces of good always outwit the forces of evil."

"I'm sorry, darling, but this time you are mistaken." Angelique swiftly raised her compact and shot a tranquilizing dart at Max.

"It's the old dart in the compact trick." Smart gasped as he fell to the ground. "That's the second time this…"

"Max!" 99 dropped down beside her partner, her gaze still fixed on Angelique. "You're in trouble now. There are a hundred CONTROL agents hiding in the bushes, waiting to capture you."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Well, would you believe fifty CIA agents are waiting down the street?"

Angelique shook her head.

"Well, would you believe Hymie and the Chief will come looking for us eventually?"

Angelique merely smiled and lunged at 99.

GSGSGSG

Siegfried limped into his favorite cafe, his leg in a cast and a gauze bandage wrapped around his head. He tried to maintain his dignity as he headed for the table he and Angelique always occupied. He pulled his cap down over the gauze and did his best to hide his leg under the table before his true love arrived.

Angelique limped into the restaurant, her arm in a cast and dark glasses and make-up disguising a black eye. She put on her best face as she joined Siegfried at their usual table. "Darling, whatever has become of your leg?"

"I tripped over a sleeping dog."

"Oh, my dear. And what has happened to your head?"

"I tripped over a sleeping cat."

"Oh, my poor Siegfried." Angelique leaned across the table to give the man a chaste kiss on the cheek.

"And, what about you? What has happened to your arm?"

"Oh, that. It's nothing. I fell out of bed."

"And what has happened to your eye?"

"I hit it against the bedside table when I fell."

"My poor dear Angelique." Siegfried did his best to lean across the table, but his leg prevented him from reaching his true love. Instead, she met him halfway. As a good diabolical partner should. "I wish you would come join me at KAOS. There is no falling out of bed at KAOS."

"And I wish you would come join me at THRUSH. There are no sleeping dogs or cats to trip over at THRUSH."

Siegfried sighed, a mighty, evil sigh. "This will never work, my love. We are both too committed to our evil organizations."

Angelique nodded. "Perhaps what we need is to become agents of good. Then we could join the same agency."

"That's just the ticket." Siegfried snapped his fingers. "We can both join CONTROL."

Angelique shook her head in frustration. "I was thinking that we could both join UNCLE."

Siegfried sighed again, another massive universal sigh. There was no hope, no future with Angelique. Perhaps he'd do better to try to turn Smart's pretty partner, 99, to the dark side.

Angelique exhaled loudly and sadly. There was no point in going on. She and Siegfried were not meant to be. It was time to return her attention back to her old star-crossed lover –Napoleon Solo.


End file.
